From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
