btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
