Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
