I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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