I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
