Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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