I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
