So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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