During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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