The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
