y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im six kinds of drunk right now
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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