Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
