Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I forget how to act sober
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
