I cockslap morals
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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