I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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