ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
