I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
