I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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