make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
