happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
