I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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