Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
