Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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