Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
