If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
