bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize