im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
