Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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