so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
