I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
