I didn't shave. On purpose
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
