just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just high enough for therapy.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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