that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
