She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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