Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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