If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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