Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
