My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
