I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize