I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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