you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
