At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
