We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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