he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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