Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
