The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
