Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
