I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
