i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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