if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
