dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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