She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I supernannyed him into submission
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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