Sorry, I don't speak sober.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
