the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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