Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
