I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
