end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
