apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
