fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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