I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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