matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
