I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
